You're my little dorito
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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