my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
