hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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