I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So apparently I’m into choking now
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
