I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
