Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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