I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We are two peas in an std pod
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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