oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
