Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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