i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
