I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
