it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
