I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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