my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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