and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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