It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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