I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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