i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
