I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When are your genitals available?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
