chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
