You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
