i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
