just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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