hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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