Someone shit on the floor
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
