PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
