Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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