You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
