your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
