Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
