The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize