I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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