the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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