There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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