I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He better not be in your backpack
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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