Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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