Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize