i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Can I color on your dick again?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
