im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
