Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize