well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
