I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
