She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i think my cat just said my name.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
