You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dicks are not precious.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
