If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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