my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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