News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
