Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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