This dress was meant to end up on your floor
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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