I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
