i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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