You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
