This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
