Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
it's like iHOP with fire
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
