Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
