I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish you could order shots online.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
