Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
zippers are such a cool invention
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
