what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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