I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
