nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
