i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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