moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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