if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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