I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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