hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
