I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude i'm inner monologue high
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
