I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
im on a boat
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