Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
