Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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