im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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