I think my fart just growled at me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
