I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
