I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize