No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
